of ties that bind
I swear I've heard or read it (the title of this post) somewhere before, but I just can't remember where for the life of me. So please, if you have, kindly let me know. I'll be eternally (okay fine, maybe for 15 minutes) grateful.
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I haven't gotten much rest in the last 2 weeks (save last night - I think my mind finally gave out like a tyre with a slow leak), and I have no idea how the hell I've managed to survive till now. My head feels like it's trying to process every little detail of both World Wars, attempting to decipher the Voynich Manuscript, constructing the plot/outline of a new novel, all the while parallel processing the information that's being fed to me through non-verbal sources.
It's utter chaos. Trust me.
I hate knowing so much. All the information that's stuffed in between my ears... it just keeps filtering through all the new information and raw data that I receive from the world and the people around me. I can't take anything at face value any further - I suppose I could, but it'll simply be a matter of time before my mind gets up to its old tricks again. I keep searching for meanings, significations, connotations, denotations, intentions etc in everything and everyone.
All you'd have to do is to say something - or not - to me. Or behave in a decidedly odd manner. Paste on an expressionless face. Slap on a fake smile. Cross your arm across your tummy. Have shifty eyes for once. Blush inexplicably. Giggle. Be exceedingly polite to me. Speak French to me. (It's weird unless French is your comfort language - although le Français est la langue de l'amour, it's still weird. Oui, il est étrange.) Or when you describe what you want, and not perceive it.
Which just leads me to the whole point of this post.
Of the ties that bind, which are the ones that matter the most? It really just comes down to all relationships being a series of concentric circles - the smallest one being those that you really and truly treasure, the furthest one being the one you only give half a rat's ass about. (Or wish that those people would simply fade out of existence like a bad dream.)
... doesn't it?
Is it really that simple? Obviously not - otherwise this post wouldn't exist at all. Not in this form anyway. People come, people go. It's the select few that really stick around for a little longer to read Chapter 6 and so on. Though curious about the ending, these are the ones who don't sneak a peek at the end, and who are willing to wade through the monotonous parts, sit around while you rant, rave, bitch, go on tirades, yell, cry, shove, fall, smile, grin etc - who are more than happy to be there for you.
Still, the question remains, albeit in a different form. Who matters to you? The one you talk to every night for hours on the phone, the one who's stuck by you while you cried, the one who insists that you go/stay home when you're ill, the one who brings you ice cream when you're down, the one who makes you laugh...? Who?
Apart from deciding, is it the person itself who matters more, or the role that she/he fills (ladies first, gentlemen)?
I'd like to think that it's the person. Anyone could fill any role - it's just a matter of adequacy. But it takes that special someone with a particular temperament and a unique personality to decide that you're worth sticking around for, and to place you on a higher rung than most other people in her/his life. And no, I don't think that it needs to be reciprocated. Well, at the least, it's my notion.
I've placed some people (if you have half a brain cell, you'd figure it out pretty quickly) on rungs so high that I doubt they could see the bottom of my emotional ladder. You each know why you're there - ask me if you don't. I'll try my best to explain. But you are. You're all up there. Whether or not you understand why is irrelevant, honestly. At times, the why isn't as important as the is/are. You simply are. Sometimes, these people switch positions, but that doesn't take anything away from them to me.
And sometimes, the things that you say/think (both consciously or unconsciously)/do, or don't, leads me to wonder about the aforementioned items. What are your true intentions? Why are you saying this to me, here, and now? How am I supposed to respond to what you just said? Who am I to make this judgment or give this advice? When am I supposed to say this or that?
More importantly - who are you? Why do I respond to you the way that I do? Why do I do the things I do for you? Who am I to do/warrant these things?
It is precisely because of the ties that bind that these questions come up. It is because of the ties that bind that we are who we are.
After all, you're never really you: you're just a collection of everyone else in your life.
-------------
I haven't gotten much rest in the last 2 weeks (save last night - I think my mind finally gave out like a tyre with a slow leak), and I have no idea how the hell I've managed to survive till now. My head feels like it's trying to process every little detail of both World Wars, attempting to decipher the Voynich Manuscript, constructing the plot/outline of a new novel, all the while parallel processing the information that's being fed to me through non-verbal sources.
It's utter chaos. Trust me.
I hate knowing so much. All the information that's stuffed in between my ears... it just keeps filtering through all the new information and raw data that I receive from the world and the people around me. I can't take anything at face value any further - I suppose I could, but it'll simply be a matter of time before my mind gets up to its old tricks again. I keep searching for meanings, significations, connotations, denotations, intentions etc in everything and everyone.
All you'd have to do is to say something - or not - to me. Or behave in a decidedly odd manner. Paste on an expressionless face. Slap on a fake smile. Cross your arm across your tummy. Have shifty eyes for once. Blush inexplicably. Giggle. Be exceedingly polite to me. Speak French to me. (It's weird unless French is your comfort language - although le Français est la langue de l'amour, it's still weird. Oui, il est étrange.) Or when you describe what you want, and not perceive it.
Which just leads me to the whole point of this post.
Of the ties that bind, which are the ones that matter the most? It really just comes down to all relationships being a series of concentric circles - the smallest one being those that you really and truly treasure, the furthest one being the one you only give half a rat's ass about. (Or wish that those people would simply fade out of existence like a bad dream.)
... doesn't it?
Is it really that simple? Obviously not - otherwise this post wouldn't exist at all. Not in this form anyway. People come, people go. It's the select few that really stick around for a little longer to read Chapter 6 and so on. Though curious about the ending, these are the ones who don't sneak a peek at the end, and who are willing to wade through the monotonous parts, sit around while you rant, rave, bitch, go on tirades, yell, cry, shove, fall, smile, grin etc - who are more than happy to be there for you.
Still, the question remains, albeit in a different form. Who matters to you? The one you talk to every night for hours on the phone, the one who's stuck by you while you cried, the one who insists that you go/stay home when you're ill, the one who brings you ice cream when you're down, the one who makes you laugh...? Who?
Apart from deciding, is it the person itself who matters more, or the role that she/he fills (ladies first, gentlemen)?
I'd like to think that it's the person. Anyone could fill any role - it's just a matter of adequacy. But it takes that special someone with a particular temperament and a unique personality to decide that you're worth sticking around for, and to place you on a higher rung than most other people in her/his life. And no, I don't think that it needs to be reciprocated. Well, at the least, it's my notion.
I've placed some people (if you have half a brain cell, you'd figure it out pretty quickly) on rungs so high that I doubt they could see the bottom of my emotional ladder. You each know why you're there - ask me if you don't. I'll try my best to explain. But you are. You're all up there. Whether or not you understand why is irrelevant, honestly. At times, the why isn't as important as the is/are. You simply are. Sometimes, these people switch positions, but that doesn't take anything away from them to me.
And sometimes, the things that you say/think (both consciously or unconsciously)/do, or don't, leads me to wonder about the aforementioned items. What are your true intentions? Why are you saying this to me, here, and now? How am I supposed to respond to what you just said? Who am I to make this judgment or give this advice? When am I supposed to say this or that?
More importantly - who are you? Why do I respond to you the way that I do? Why do I do the things I do for you? Who am I to do/warrant these things?
It is precisely because of the ties that bind that these questions come up. It is because of the ties that bind that we are who we are.
After all, you're never really you: you're just a collection of everyone else in your life.
NIGEL
1:45 AM
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