(good) intentions
What should I say to make everyone feel better?
What should I do to improve things?
What can I do?
-------------
How often have you acted out of good intentions only to screw everything - and oftentimes, everyone (including yourself) - so badly that it keeps you up at night? Given the state of the human condition as I know it, not to mention the state of the world as it stands right now, I'd wager my last toe on my left toe, my left elbow and half of my left brain that you have at one point or another. It doesn't matter what it was about, or who it involved.
How far did you go? How did you execute it? When did you do it? Again, I'd bet the right-hand equivalents of aforementioned bodily appendages and all of my right brain that you could have done everything better. No more confrontations, no more risking of friendships, and definitely better timing. Careful, cautious questions that gently probe; the shy toeing of the border between friendship and annoyance; and most probably not at that time ever again.
Hold your horses though. Before you think that's all there is to it, think about your reasons for doing so. Why are you so willing to do all this? This time, I'll up the ante and throw in the rest of my toes and fingers and even my upper left canine tooth that you're acting out of good intentions. "Well, I see the clearest since I'm not involved, and dude, can't you see it? It's so damn fucking obvious!" You want to protect, to anticipate, to warn, to help.
But are you really? Would doing all those things really help? How do you know for sure? Isn't it all mere speculation? Yes, I understand - it is always a risk, and you're willing to do it because you consider the party(-ies) extremely important to yourself, and that you cherish them. And that's why you're so willing to risk it all for the betterment of them.
Fair enough, I'd say.
Yet, have you actually asked the parties involved what they wanted? It would be logical to think that the involved parties are aware of what they want for themselves, and since you're willing to do what you want to do precisely because you want to protect (etc.) them, maybe you should ask them what they wanted. Especially if both of them are not quick to judge and are careful thinkers and who value their own thought processes.
-------------
Am I afraid? Yes, I am. I'm afraid I'll lose the both of you, not just as friends, but as close friends.
-------------
We've been through a lot these past few years: you and I both know that. We've helped each other through the rough patches, brushed the dust and dirt off each other's knees and backs, and kept the other going with admonitions, cheers and sheer willpower. We've stayed up late into the night for the other, talking about inane stuff and laughing at the most retarded things. We've shared things about ourselves that we've (well, at least for myself) never shared with anyone else.
Yet now you're so... polite and cordial with me. You said 'thank you' to me five times last night. You've never said it that many times in a night ever. You were distant.
I am not replacing you, with anything or anyone else. You know that. You mean too much to me to be replaced. I'd rather lose all of what I know than replace you. I could wax lyrical about how important you are to me, and how I don't want to lose you. But it remains the same: I don't want to lose you as a close friend, all that we've built and had together, or the comfort that I feel in your presence.
-------------
We've become very much closer since we first met, and I'm thankful for that. I was worried that we wouldn't have the same chemistry as we did online, but I now see that that worry was unfounded. You're more than just an online persona now - you're real. We've had many conversations - text messages, through the Internet, late night phone calls, the ones between the bus stop and your front door - and they've been the highlight of my day. We've exchanged glances, and hugs; we've had silent moments that weren't awkward in the slightest bit; we've had our respective silly moments.
Yet now... I don't know. I'm just afraid that we won't be as close as we were before it all hit the fan.
-------------
I just can't afford to lose either of you. Nor the comfort that I feel in either of your presences, the easy conversations, the relaxed jokes... I don't want to be someone else but myself when I'm with either of you.
I don't want to lose the me that I am when I'm with you.
What should I do to improve things?
What can I do?
-------------
How often have you acted out of good intentions only to screw everything - and oftentimes, everyone (including yourself) - so badly that it keeps you up at night? Given the state of the human condition as I know it, not to mention the state of the world as it stands right now, I'd wager my last toe on my left toe, my left elbow and half of my left brain that you have at one point or another. It doesn't matter what it was about, or who it involved.
How far did you go? How did you execute it? When did you do it? Again, I'd bet the right-hand equivalents of aforementioned bodily appendages and all of my right brain that you could have done everything better. No more confrontations, no more risking of friendships, and definitely better timing. Careful, cautious questions that gently probe; the shy toeing of the border between friendship and annoyance; and most probably not at that time ever again.
Hold your horses though. Before you think that's all there is to it, think about your reasons for doing so. Why are you so willing to do all this? This time, I'll up the ante and throw in the rest of my toes and fingers and even my upper left canine tooth that you're acting out of good intentions. "Well, I see the clearest since I'm not involved, and dude, can't you see it? It's so damn fucking obvious!" You want to protect, to anticipate, to warn, to help.
But are you really? Would doing all those things really help? How do you know for sure? Isn't it all mere speculation? Yes, I understand - it is always a risk, and you're willing to do it because you consider the party(-ies) extremely important to yourself, and that you cherish them. And that's why you're so willing to risk it all for the betterment of them.
Fair enough, I'd say.
Yet, have you actually asked the parties involved what they wanted? It would be logical to think that the involved parties are aware of what they want for themselves, and since you're willing to do what you want to do precisely because you want to protect (etc.) them, maybe you should ask them what they wanted. Especially if both of them are not quick to judge and are careful thinkers and who value their own thought processes.
-------------
Am I afraid? Yes, I am. I'm afraid I'll lose the both of you, not just as friends, but as close friends.
-------------
We've been through a lot these past few years: you and I both know that. We've helped each other through the rough patches, brushed the dust and dirt off each other's knees and backs, and kept the other going with admonitions, cheers and sheer willpower. We've stayed up late into the night for the other, talking about inane stuff and laughing at the most retarded things. We've shared things about ourselves that we've (well, at least for myself) never shared with anyone else.
Yet now you're so... polite and cordial with me. You said 'thank you' to me five times last night. You've never said it that many times in a night ever. You were distant.
I am not replacing you, with anything or anyone else. You know that. You mean too much to me to be replaced. I'd rather lose all of what I know than replace you. I could wax lyrical about how important you are to me, and how I don't want to lose you. But it remains the same: I don't want to lose you as a close friend, all that we've built and had together, or the comfort that I feel in your presence.
-------------
We've become very much closer since we first met, and I'm thankful for that. I was worried that we wouldn't have the same chemistry as we did online, but I now see that that worry was unfounded. You're more than just an online persona now - you're real. We've had many conversations - text messages, through the Internet, late night phone calls, the ones between the bus stop and your front door - and they've been the highlight of my day. We've exchanged glances, and hugs; we've had silent moments that weren't awkward in the slightest bit; we've had our respective silly moments.
Yet now... I don't know. I'm just afraid that we won't be as close as we were before it all hit the fan.
-------------
I just can't afford to lose either of you. Nor the comfort that I feel in either of your presences, the easy conversations, the relaxed jokes... I don't want to be someone else but myself when I'm with either of you.
I don't want to lose the me that I am when I'm with you.
NIGEL
5:10 AM
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