selfsame
What does it mean to change, to grow, to evolve? How do you change, grow, evolve? When should you change, grow, evolve?
The over-invoked cliché, "change is the only constant in the universe" - apart from being a contradictory self-referential statement - harks to mind. But is it? Is change the only constant?
My rational (philosophical?) side cringes at the mere thought of it, and tends towards an idealistic stance of wondering if there are universals, yet recent experiences have indicated otherwise.
Relationships (three that I know of) have dissolved into nothingness, all in the same manner. A friend is thinking of doing the same thing to another relationship. These are people who are undergoing changes, creating changes, accepting and desiring change. You change, grow, evolve.
A close friend (you know who you are) told me recently that I've not changed over the years, that my wounds are still as raw as ever.
And they are. Those wounds are indeed as raw as ever. I'm just as damaged as any one of you reading this right now. Our wounds are probably not identical in any manner, that's for certain. I stood to lose the one thing that has always made me happy since I was a kid. If you know what that is, you'd know how much that means to me. My own parents threatened to take that away from me, their own son. And they had the gall - the audacity - to believe that it was the right thing to do in that context.
My parents used my education as a weapon against me. How callous is that?
Add you're right, Close Friend. I haven't changed. Those wounds are still as raw as ever. It still bothers me whenever I think about them. I don't know if I possess the capacity to ever let them go. You say that friends will come and go, and family is the only thing that will always have my back and take care of me. I say though that might be the ideal case, it doesn't quite apply to me. If my parents can say those things to me, how can I trust them implicitly - and fully - to have my back and take care of me when I fall? Once you've been bitten, you're always wary.
My... success (if we may label it as such) has nothing to do with them, apart from being financed by them. I intend to fully repay the money - and I will. I got to where I am today with the help of my friends, and not family. They've done nothing but frustrate me; attempted to convince me to quit philosophy; to return/stay in Singapore, knowing full well that I've never been happy with or in Singapore. In all honesty, my friends are the ones who have been by my side, encouraging me to continue and persevere when the going got tough. They were the ones who stuck by me when I said that I wanted to write, even though writing is an immensely tough industry to break into. They never told me to "get a job first". True, they could merely be humoring me, but they appreciate that I have unique talents. If anything, I write. I may not write well, but writing cheers me up. (I'm not exactly a bundle of joy and happiness, so I hold fast to the things that make me smile. Obviously.)
I don't want to share my success with them. I'm not drawing arbitrary lines in the sand here. I simply wish to accord praise and blame to the appropriate persons. Close Friend, I'm proud to say that you're the one who has been there when I needed someone to listen to me, and you're the one person who has helped me through university and its low points.
I'm only going back for the three of you, and you know why.
You're my family.
We may not be blood ties, but does that really matter? Blood ties are merely genealogical relations, and nothing else. As I've said on numerous occasions, I feel closer to you three than my blood family. I don't expect anything from you three, I simply ask that you three are happy - and I would do anything to make you three happy. Call me misguided, call me deluded; declare me cold, declare me heartless; say I'm stubborn, say I'm foolish - it doesn't change anything.
Some things just never change.
The over-invoked cliché, "change is the only constant in the universe" - apart from being a contradictory self-referential statement - harks to mind. But is it? Is change the only constant?
My rational (philosophical?) side cringes at the mere thought of it, and tends towards an idealistic stance of wondering if there are universals, yet recent experiences have indicated otherwise.
Relationships (three that I know of) have dissolved into nothingness, all in the same manner. A friend is thinking of doing the same thing to another relationship. These are people who are undergoing changes, creating changes, accepting and desiring change. You change, grow, evolve.
A close friend (you know who you are) told me recently that I've not changed over the years, that my wounds are still as raw as ever.
And they are. Those wounds are indeed as raw as ever. I'm just as damaged as any one of you reading this right now. Our wounds are probably not identical in any manner, that's for certain. I stood to lose the one thing that has always made me happy since I was a kid. If you know what that is, you'd know how much that means to me. My own parents threatened to take that away from me, their own son. And they had the gall - the audacity - to believe that it was the right thing to do in that context.
My parents used my education as a weapon against me. How callous is that?
Add you're right, Close Friend. I haven't changed. Those wounds are still as raw as ever. It still bothers me whenever I think about them. I don't know if I possess the capacity to ever let them go. You say that friends will come and go, and family is the only thing that will always have my back and take care of me. I say though that might be the ideal case, it doesn't quite apply to me. If my parents can say those things to me, how can I trust them implicitly - and fully - to have my back and take care of me when I fall? Once you've been bitten, you're always wary.
My... success (if we may label it as such) has nothing to do with them, apart from being financed by them. I intend to fully repay the money - and I will. I got to where I am today with the help of my friends, and not family. They've done nothing but frustrate me; attempted to convince me to quit philosophy; to return/stay in Singapore, knowing full well that I've never been happy with or in Singapore. In all honesty, my friends are the ones who have been by my side, encouraging me to continue and persevere when the going got tough. They were the ones who stuck by me when I said that I wanted to write, even though writing is an immensely tough industry to break into. They never told me to "get a job first". True, they could merely be humoring me, but they appreciate that I have unique talents. If anything, I write. I may not write well, but writing cheers me up. (I'm not exactly a bundle of joy and happiness, so I hold fast to the things that make me smile. Obviously.)
I don't want to share my success with them. I'm not drawing arbitrary lines in the sand here. I simply wish to accord praise and blame to the appropriate persons. Close Friend, I'm proud to say that you're the one who has been there when I needed someone to listen to me, and you're the one person who has helped me through university and its low points.
I'm only going back for the three of you, and you know why.
You're my family.
We may not be blood ties, but does that really matter? Blood ties are merely genealogical relations, and nothing else. As I've said on numerous occasions, I feel closer to you three than my blood family. I don't expect anything from you three, I simply ask that you three are happy - and I would do anything to make you three happy. Call me misguided, call me deluded; declare me cold, declare me heartless; say I'm stubborn, say I'm foolish - it doesn't change anything.
Some things just never change.
NIGEL
6:40 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home