graduation from somnolence
It just hit me that I'm finally 23 - well, 24 this year - and that I'm actually graduating.
Graduating. That word holds a lot of significance to me right now. I've more or less proven that I can do anything I set my mind to ("more or less" being the key operative words). I entered philosophy with nothing more than reading a simple introductory text to philosophy, a million questions, curiosity and a love for it. And now, I'm going to graduate with an Honours in Philosophy. An Honours, no less. I think this is probably my most satisfactory personal accomplishment to date. This is probably where I should thank the people who have seen me through the hard times while I've been pursuing it, but I think that's for another time. There's a more appropriate time for that.
I can't quite say the same about the other aspects in my life though. For one, the fact that I'm reflecting on my life probably is a good indication that I don't have much going on in my life - or just that I am engaging in self-reflection right now. Let's put it this way: I really shouldn't come online while I'm on meds that cause drowsiness. I don't remember much of what happened, but it suffices to say that I wasn't quite myself.
That being said, I don't know if anything I said while in that mental haze really qualifies as being true - maybe it does. Maybe you're right. Perhaps whatever I said under the haze does indeed represent my desires and thoughts. (Hence, me not wanting to get drunk or high. I think it'll be scary.) I understand that you think it's not anyone's fault, but I think I should have been more responsible, in that I should have simply gone to bed and not persisted in talking, or at the very least thinking about the consequences. I put our nascent friendship on the line - something I should have thought about before blabbering. I know that we've talked about it, and that I've apologized profusely... like I said, it's rare that to find someone who begins from the same points as I do; that you said "it's because I trust you" (you called me N, I recall that now - you said, "go to sleep, N."); that you count me among your circle of friends. I hope that you feel there is nothing you couldn't talk to me about, but I understand if you want to draw the boundaries around certain things. It bites if that does indeed happen, but I'll accept it, no questions asked.
Now that I think about it... I'd much rather be considered as one of your good friends than anything more (or less). (Believe it or not, I paused for about 30 minutes between the earlier paragraph and that preceding sentence. I really, really thought about it. Putting it nicely, it just dawned upon me.) All I want is for you to be happy - anywhere, anytime. Goddamnit, that is so clear to me now. How could I have missed it?
All that being said, I understand if the damage has been done. I'm just trying to patch it up with some epoxy-and-resin and glue and staples and duct tape and fishing line and whatever else people use to fix damaged friendships. I hope it works/worked/will work.
If you, dear reader, think that I'm just settling for second-best, you're really wrong. If you truly knew me well enough, that thought wouldn't have come to you at all. I don't settle for mediocrity, because mediocrity sucks. Big time. I now realize that I merely (read: secretly. well not so secret now, is it.) want to be counted among her circle of good friends - as with the babe-who-called-me-herpes-boy-and-worse (you know who you are, you horrible girl) and the other who-introduced-a-game-about-pigs-that-I-don't-understand.
Ah, who am I kidding? Who the hell reads this blog anyway? They're just Sarah and Le Raine and Siew Ling. There. Easier than typing those long symbolic names.
I have to add this parting shot because... well, I have to:
Graduating. That word holds a lot of significance to me right now. I've more or less proven that I can do anything I set my mind to ("more or less" being the key operative words). I entered philosophy with nothing more than reading a simple introductory text to philosophy, a million questions, curiosity and a love for it. And now, I'm going to graduate with an Honours in Philosophy. An Honours, no less. I think this is probably my most satisfactory personal accomplishment to date. This is probably where I should thank the people who have seen me through the hard times while I've been pursuing it, but I think that's for another time. There's a more appropriate time for that.
I can't quite say the same about the other aspects in my life though. For one, the fact that I'm reflecting on my life probably is a good indication that I don't have much going on in my life - or just that I am engaging in self-reflection right now. Let's put it this way: I really shouldn't come online while I'm on meds that cause drowsiness. I don't remember much of what happened, but it suffices to say that I wasn't quite myself.
That being said, I don't know if anything I said while in that mental haze really qualifies as being true - maybe it does. Maybe you're right. Perhaps whatever I said under the haze does indeed represent my desires and thoughts. (Hence, me not wanting to get drunk or high. I think it'll be scary.) I understand that you think it's not anyone's fault, but I think I should have been more responsible, in that I should have simply gone to bed and not persisted in talking, or at the very least thinking about the consequences. I put our nascent friendship on the line - something I should have thought about before blabbering. I know that we've talked about it, and that I've apologized profusely... like I said, it's rare that to find someone who begins from the same points as I do; that you said "it's because I trust you" (you called me N, I recall that now - you said, "go to sleep, N."); that you count me among your circle of friends. I hope that you feel there is nothing you couldn't talk to me about, but I understand if you want to draw the boundaries around certain things. It bites if that does indeed happen, but I'll accept it, no questions asked.
Now that I think about it... I'd much rather be considered as one of your good friends than anything more (or less). (Believe it or not, I paused for about 30 minutes between the earlier paragraph and that preceding sentence. I really, really thought about it. Putting it nicely, it just dawned upon me.) All I want is for you to be happy - anywhere, anytime. Goddamnit, that is so clear to me now. How could I have missed it?
All that being said, I understand if the damage has been done. I'm just trying to patch it up with some epoxy-and-resin and glue and staples and duct tape and fishing line and whatever else people use to fix damaged friendships. I hope it works/worked/will work.
If you, dear reader, think that I'm just settling for second-best, you're really wrong. If you truly knew me well enough, that thought wouldn't have come to you at all. I don't settle for mediocrity, because mediocrity sucks. Big time. I now realize that I merely (read: secretly. well not so secret now, is it.) want to be counted among her circle of good friends - as with the babe-who-called-me-herpes-boy-and-worse (you know who you are, you horrible girl) and the other who-introduced-a-game-about-pigs-that-I-don't-understand.
Ah, who am I kidding? Who the hell reads this blog anyway? They're just Sarah and Le Raine and Siew Ling. There. Easier than typing those long symbolic names.
I have to add this parting shot because... well, I have to:
Sarah, you still suck for comparing me to PH. Hahaha.
NIGEL
5:05 AM
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