caught

This bites. I absolutely do not want to deal with this at all. Not a single iota of it. I can't get them out of my head, and it's gnawing away at me from the inside.

It's unfair. Utterly unjust and unfair to them, and honestly, this makes me a truly horrible person. Abhorrent, even.

I don't even want to think about it, and yet it's always on my mind. I hate being human. This is just wrong. Not that I have any regrets, but I should have just stuck to being the old Nigel and all anti-social and quiet and broody and grim and all that macabre jazz - and dreaming of some fabulous person who'll come along and do wonders. At the very least I didn't have to deal with this at all.

What in the blazing hell am I talking about, you ask?

Let's just say that I'm caught between the devil and the deep blue sea - I can't swim to save my life, while the devil... well, it's the devil. Doing one thing and yet thinking another. Not practicing what I preach. In other words, being a total a-hole.

Do I want what I cannot have simply because I cannot achieve it? I've had few occasions in my life where I've not achieved what I've aimed for: I've been the inaugural President of a CCA and made thousands of dollars from literally nothing, I've done the impossible by keeping the school ranked in the First Division since Day 1... heck, I'm going to graduate with an Honours in Philosophy with Distinction, no less (not too sure if it means magna cum laude, but damn if I care). So am I simply mourning the reality that I am after all, mere human? That I have arrived at my own limitations?

Or do I really want it in and of itself? I don't know. I really don't.

All this ranting, and I'm still caught between the devil and the deep blue sea.