quickie

Been a week since I posted anything. Since then, it's snowed and thawed - and I'm still... here. It just seems like a never-ending and never-changing routine. Study, read, write, think, eat, sleep. Most people would be bored to hell with this routine, but I'm afraid that I'm so far gone that I feel nothing but indifference towards it. Ennui. Jadedness. Blasé.

I don't know what I value any longer. I used to think that I valued some principles, and I hope that I still do, but everytime I try to engage my emotions for something or someone, my mind just flinches. It literally does. Utterly akin to a knee-jerk reaction to touching something cold, unexpected.

For those of you who know the deal with my parents, well... you know the deal. I certainly don't feel that I'm their son, even though they may talk the talk and walk the walk. I've forgotten what it's like to be loved by someone.

"Am I happy with where and who I am right now? And if not, why not change the situation for the better?" Questions I know that you'll ask. I don't know if I'm "happy," but I certainly don't feel discontented with where I am. And I doubt I can change the situation... I've been working on my condition (you know what I mean) for a while now, and I don't see any positive end in sight. It's so trying. It simply resides in my psyche like a dead weight, always present. Somehow, I always visualize it as someone right out of the movies from the 30's or 40's: male, dressed to the nines in a nice suit, replete with black fedora and intricate cuff links, and to top it all off, with a slim cigarette dangling from the corner of his mouth, and never looking directly at me. He mocks me silently, always leaning against a doorframe, and completely blocking what's on the other side.

Fuckin' A.