thoughts
Just thought I'll put my thoughts to paper tonight.
I haven't been doing anything much other than school-related stuff. Takehome exams, paper outlines, the papers themselves... basically the usual stuff that anyone has to do while being an undergraduate. But the usual stuff can be pretty stressful. And to think that I planned this to be an easy semester, what with only 4 classes and all. It's been rather rough so far.
I wonder if I've rushed through my undergraduate life too quickly. I thought I knew what I wanted for myself, what I wanted to do with my life. But now that I actually have the opportunity to pursue the life, I'm starting to doubt myself.
Can I do it? Am I truly up to the task? My peers here tell me that I couldn't be more suited to the life of studying logic, and that I definitely have the strength and capability to see it all the way through and be an excellent academic. But the truth is, I think they're all just speaking about the front that I put up. I don't really know who I am behind that front. I wish I did - in fact, I thought I did.
In a sense, Heidegger was right. We all need the Other to define ourselves. I don't know who I would be without the people that I've surrounded myself with. Recently, I've been looking at these individuals around me, and I envy them. They hold dreams that they know they're going to achieve, despite their (false) lack of confidence. They're happy individuals, with fulfilling relationships that add so much quality to their lives. They're content with their lives as they stand right now - mostly anyway.
Which leads me to the recent highlight of my life. I've recently been getting to know a new friend, whom I honestly think will turn out to be an excellent friend, one whom I hope will stick around for a long time. After two (long) conversations with said friend, I began to envy her. She harbors similar dreams that I had when I was her age, and holds similar beliefs to the ones that I held. But unfortunately, it seems she may not have the same opportunity that I have to pursue a better life. I think she's well-suited to philosophy - or any other discipline that requires critical thinking and exceptional writing skills - and I truly think she deserves her chance.
While speaking to her today, for a fleeting moment, I wished I was 17 again. I don't really remember much of being 17, but I can remember what I used to do: copy Math tutorials off my friends, hang out with my buds after school, laugh our asses off, struggle through Physics lab sessions together... and just being a teenager. Granted that I was pretty unhappy and really sick then, but I was happy. And the best part? I had dreams. Dreams that said friend now cherishes.
My dreams now seem so distant, unreachable. I fervently wish that I was half as smart as everyone makes me out to be. As you can probably tell, I'm pretty insecure about myself and what I can do. I hope it's the same for everyone else. Hahaha. Not that I'm evil, but I guess I'm just hoping to find some comfort in numbers. Lame, I know.
This is definitely not self-pity. I'm just unsure about my life. I know that I'll have to bite the bullet eventually, and hopefully, I'll get my PhD one day, and be an excellent academic.
It still doesn't change the fact that I'm anxious and antsy about everything right now. And wishing that said friend will have her chance at a better life.
Oh yeah. Happy birthday to me, in case I forget. I have a damn paper outline due on my birthday. What a pain in the ass.
I haven't been doing anything much other than school-related stuff. Takehome exams, paper outlines, the papers themselves... basically the usual stuff that anyone has to do while being an undergraduate. But the usual stuff can be pretty stressful. And to think that I planned this to be an easy semester, what with only 4 classes and all. It's been rather rough so far.
I wonder if I've rushed through my undergraduate life too quickly. I thought I knew what I wanted for myself, what I wanted to do with my life. But now that I actually have the opportunity to pursue the life, I'm starting to doubt myself.
Can I do it? Am I truly up to the task? My peers here tell me that I couldn't be more suited to the life of studying logic, and that I definitely have the strength and capability to see it all the way through and be an excellent academic. But the truth is, I think they're all just speaking about the front that I put up. I don't really know who I am behind that front. I wish I did - in fact, I thought I did.
In a sense, Heidegger was right. We all need the Other to define ourselves. I don't know who I would be without the people that I've surrounded myself with. Recently, I've been looking at these individuals around me, and I envy them. They hold dreams that they know they're going to achieve, despite their (false) lack of confidence. They're happy individuals, with fulfilling relationships that add so much quality to their lives. They're content with their lives as they stand right now - mostly anyway.
Which leads me to the recent highlight of my life. I've recently been getting to know a new friend, whom I honestly think will turn out to be an excellent friend, one whom I hope will stick around for a long time. After two (long) conversations with said friend, I began to envy her. She harbors similar dreams that I had when I was her age, and holds similar beliefs to the ones that I held. But unfortunately, it seems she may not have the same opportunity that I have to pursue a better life. I think she's well-suited to philosophy - or any other discipline that requires critical thinking and exceptional writing skills - and I truly think she deserves her chance.
While speaking to her today, for a fleeting moment, I wished I was 17 again. I don't really remember much of being 17, but I can remember what I used to do: copy Math tutorials off my friends, hang out with my buds after school, laugh our asses off, struggle through Physics lab sessions together... and just being a teenager. Granted that I was pretty unhappy and really sick then, but I was happy. And the best part? I had dreams. Dreams that said friend now cherishes.
My dreams now seem so distant, unreachable. I fervently wish that I was half as smart as everyone makes me out to be. As you can probably tell, I'm pretty insecure about myself and what I can do. I hope it's the same for everyone else. Hahaha. Not that I'm evil, but I guess I'm just hoping to find some comfort in numbers. Lame, I know.
This is definitely not self-pity. I'm just unsure about my life. I know that I'll have to bite the bullet eventually, and hopefully, I'll get my PhD one day, and be an excellent academic.
It still doesn't change the fact that I'm anxious and antsy about everything right now. And wishing that said friend will have her chance at a better life.
Oh yeah. Happy birthday to me, in case I forget. I have a damn paper outline due on my birthday. What a pain in the ass.
NIGEL
2:16 PM
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