thoughts
Guess it's time for me to record down some of my thoughts, now that I'm all done with the third semester of my university life. I'm exactly halfway through my Honours in Philosophy, and well, I'm hoping for straight A's this semester. I know for one that I worked my ass off this time round, and honestly, I'll be happy with whatever grade I get - although of course, I personally think I deserve A's.
I've been doing a lot of thinking (no surprise there) since school ended. And as usual, it's mostly about well, her and me. I suppose it qualifies as one of those "summer romances," as popularized in Grease - except that we're not driving off into the sunset. It's odd. I seriously considered spending the rest of my life with her, and I was really looking forward to seeing her smile in the mornings. What's so amazing about her? To tell the truth, I don't know. I guess it's because she accepted me for who I really am (at least the philosophy part of me anyway), and embraced it as a part of me. To someone like me, it's rare to find someone who will accept who you are. I mean, what's nice about me? I can't think of anything nice. I don't make small talk/conversation, I don't look good, I'm not rich... the list goes on. The only thing that I can think that would redeem me is that I think a lot. LOL.
We fell in love quickly, and fell out just as quickly too. I don't know what I mean to her anymore, although she has said that we're very close friends. She also said that things may work out between us in the future. Honestly, I don't know if I'm able to fall in love with her again. It'll be odd... to say the least. I imagine that even if we did get back together, I'll always remember that she broke up with me (well, at least she said it's better for us to be friends). In a way, that is rejecting me - after all, we broke up because of irreconciliable life choices. I once thought that I would be able to go back there, to teach/work for a while, then leave eventually. But Singapore is just too hard for me to go back to. I can't go back to Singapore, and 'hope' that we'll get back together. As mean as it may sound, I have to think and watch out for myself. If I don't, who will? I can't make that sort of sacrifice for anyone. My little apartment in downtown Montreal is now my home. This is the place where I eat, sleep, shower, clean, mess up, and most importantly, this little place is where I've brought my dreams.
One thing that I could never understand is why she was concerned with how people saw her. I once told her that 'my mom' had a bad impression of her, and she went all out to try and resolve it. Same thing with my sister. Honestly, it's something that I've never understood. Why is it important? What does it mean to you when someone sees you in a bad light? How does it affect you? It certainly doesn't change who you are. It's one of the things that I can't give a fuck about. LOL. We created very special moments - moments that I'll remember for a long time - and promised each other things. Which brings me to my next point: it's strange how we can promise to love someone forever when we're in love, then when we're apart, the promise just falls apart. In all honesty, I've learnt not to believe these words anymore. "I love you" doesn't mean anything to me any longer. All it represents is a verbal affirmation of one's feelings towards another at that split instant in time, nothing more and nothing less. Adding a "forever" at the end doesn't make it work either... after all, what's "forever" mean nowadays? The duration of a relationship? The length of a movie? The time it takes to run an ad about shower foam? Heh.
I guess I sound like a cynic now. But to those who've been in a relationship before, you know what I mean. Words are nothing but well, words. That's just the way it is.
As a last note: remind me not to fall in love again; or at least when I'm raving about some girl, ask me WHY I like her. Better yet, remind me about falling out of love. I'm sure that'll wake me up from my delirious slumber of "romance" pretty quickly.
I've been doing a lot of thinking (no surprise there) since school ended. And as usual, it's mostly about well, her and me. I suppose it qualifies as one of those "summer romances," as popularized in Grease - except that we're not driving off into the sunset. It's odd. I seriously considered spending the rest of my life with her, and I was really looking forward to seeing her smile in the mornings. What's so amazing about her? To tell the truth, I don't know. I guess it's because she accepted me for who I really am (at least the philosophy part of me anyway), and embraced it as a part of me. To someone like me, it's rare to find someone who will accept who you are. I mean, what's nice about me? I can't think of anything nice. I don't make small talk/conversation, I don't look good, I'm not rich... the list goes on. The only thing that I can think that would redeem me is that I think a lot. LOL.
We fell in love quickly, and fell out just as quickly too. I don't know what I mean to her anymore, although she has said that we're very close friends. She also said that things may work out between us in the future. Honestly, I don't know if I'm able to fall in love with her again. It'll be odd... to say the least. I imagine that even if we did get back together, I'll always remember that she broke up with me (well, at least she said it's better for us to be friends). In a way, that is rejecting me - after all, we broke up because of irreconciliable life choices. I once thought that I would be able to go back there, to teach/work for a while, then leave eventually. But Singapore is just too hard for me to go back to. I can't go back to Singapore, and 'hope' that we'll get back together. As mean as it may sound, I have to think and watch out for myself. If I don't, who will? I can't make that sort of sacrifice for anyone. My little apartment in downtown Montreal is now my home. This is the place where I eat, sleep, shower, clean, mess up, and most importantly, this little place is where I've brought my dreams.
One thing that I could never understand is why she was concerned with how people saw her. I once told her that 'my mom' had a bad impression of her, and she went all out to try and resolve it. Same thing with my sister. Honestly, it's something that I've never understood. Why is it important? What does it mean to you when someone sees you in a bad light? How does it affect you? It certainly doesn't change who you are. It's one of the things that I can't give a fuck about. LOL. We created very special moments - moments that I'll remember for a long time - and promised each other things. Which brings me to my next point: it's strange how we can promise to love someone forever when we're in love, then when we're apart, the promise just falls apart. In all honesty, I've learnt not to believe these words anymore. "I love you" doesn't mean anything to me any longer. All it represents is a verbal affirmation of one's feelings towards another at that split instant in time, nothing more and nothing less. Adding a "forever" at the end doesn't make it work either... after all, what's "forever" mean nowadays? The duration of a relationship? The length of a movie? The time it takes to run an ad about shower foam? Heh.
I guess I sound like a cynic now. But to those who've been in a relationship before, you know what I mean. Words are nothing but well, words. That's just the way it is.
As a last note: remind me not to fall in love again; or at least when I'm raving about some girl, ask me WHY I like her. Better yet, remind me about falling out of love. I'm sure that'll wake me up from my delirious slumber of "romance" pretty quickly.
NIGEL
6:26 AM
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