thoughts

Sorry people, I had to close my other blog because it was attracting some unwanted attention - namely, my mom. What a character. Reading my blog is like reading my diary. And when I deleted it, she managed to find out about my deletion too. Geez. Makes you wonder, doesn't it?

Anyway, I feel crappy. REALLY crappy. I'm in one of those moods where I feel like dissing everything and everyone, with no remorse or regrets. You know what I mean? It's one of those "f*** all" attitude. Ah, screw it.

You guys know my life story... and I think Vienna Teng's "The Tower" thoroughly describes my life story - in many ways. Particularly the first 2 lines, the last 2 lines of the chorus, and the last 4 lines of the third stanza. Read it and you'll understand.

The Tower
the one who survives by making the lives
of others worthwhile
she's coming apart
right before my eyes
the one who depends on the services she renders
to those who come knocking
she's seeing too clearly what she can't be
what understanding defies

she says I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go
I need not to need
I've always been the tower
but now I feel like I'm the flower trying to bloom in snow

she turns out the light anticipating night falling
tenderly around her
and watches the dusk
the words won't come
she carries the act so convincingly the fact is
sometimes she believes it
that she can be happy the way things are
be happy with the things she's done

reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can change me
where is the one
the one
the one

reach out
but hold back
where is safety
reach out
and hold back
where is the one who can save me
where is the one
the one
the one

Isn't it? I've always been the one people depend on. My "family" depends on me to hold it together. Teachers look at me and want/depend on me to lead. Damn, even the exercises in NS depended on me to proceed/begin (and I was only a lousy corporal, for goodness' sakes). I've been living my life for others all this while, and always conceding to their demands. But right now, all I'm doing is trying to do my thing and "my parents" are just trying to stop me from doing what I want, or being condescending about it. My dad actually said "if you think [philosophy] can put a shirt on your back and bread on the table, then go ahead..." WOAH. If that's not being sarcastic, then what is?

I've been living a life that's dependent on their dependence on me. I can't help but believe that I'm needed. But yet I'm not truly accepted. If that's not hypocrisy, what is? Apart from that, the system actually marginalizes me. Geez! What do they want me to do? Of course, I could imitate what Hank Rearden did when he was being tried. "You want me to follow your orders? Sure. I'll follow them to the letter." (By the way, if you don't understand what I'm referring to Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged. It's an awesome book, great characters, great philosophy (Objectivism, and she defends egoism and capitalism). Hey, it's one of those books that supports the "selfish" point of view. If you're not selfish, then why are you studying then? Aren't you supposed to be "studying for your own good"? Isn't that a selfish point of view? Tsk tsk. Don't say that you're "working for the overall aggregate good". You're working because you need to survive. That's selfish, isn't it? You have to satisfy your own self-interests before you can even THINK about helping others. Naturally, you don't have an incentive to help others, which is why "selfish" has taken on a negative connotation today. Pity.

In most ways, I'm proud to say that I'm selfish. And capitalistic. But not when it comes to children. Frankly, I don't want kids because I don't want to end up like my parents. They're one heck of a weird AND selfish bunch. Again, I'm not responsible for their happiness, nor do I have ANY duty or obligation to take care of them. They screwed me over once when I was 16/17, screwed with my mind recently, and tried to play the fool with my sister. No one takes that crap - especially not me.

I'm certainly not going to be happy with what's happening. And yes, I do feel like a flower trying to bloom in snow.